Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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