if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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