The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
