guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
