i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
