do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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