Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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