he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
