I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
