i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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