i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
