Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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