Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
