Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
