I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Life without a bra equals bliss.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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