Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
