I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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