My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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