we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
