and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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