i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
