Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
