who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
