i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize