Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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