I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
