; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
