What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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