There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
