The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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