my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
