How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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