Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
