I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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