I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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