I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
