Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Is it penis luge time yet?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
2020 sucks, I want a refund
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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