4 words: hood of his car
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
you're hired as official boob wrangler
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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