You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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