Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
