Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
