He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
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Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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