So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
