I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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