My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.