I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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