I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
he just fucked me for my cheese..