So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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