Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
