Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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