tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
