can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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