I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
