bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
