i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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