In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
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