Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize
