omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
