I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
