There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
how drunk are you?
Several
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
