Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
