Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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