Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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