Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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